1. Maintain awareness of what is happening.
2. Take a moment to slow down the interaction and reconnect to yourself.
De-escalate. For instance, breathe deeply for a moment, close your eyes, and feel positive sensations in your body. Step away so there is more distance between you and the other. This may mean postponing discussion until later. Remember, conflict cannot be resolved if either of you is in defense. (Postponement should not be longer than 24 hours unless violence is possible.)
3. Explore what childhood issue or trauma might have been triggered, and own your part.
For instance, “when you did that, it reminded me of my father, and I did not feel loved or safe. As a result of feeling this way, I spoke with deep anger.”
4. Remind yourself that you are in defense, and connect to your Core Being
by sending love, strength and compassion to the pain.
Our Core Being is the part of us that can feel whole even when someone else is judging us. It is adult consciousness and is connected to our inner divine self.
5. Remind yourself that the other is in defense, and imagine them connected
to their Core Being.
Energetically and/or verbally send understanding to the other person’s defenses and pain.
6. Notice what you need from yourself—and give it to yourself.
Notice what you would like from them and tell them what, if anything, you need from them.
7. Return to adult consciousness and out of defense.
When in adult consciousness, you will be able to give love to yourself when others can’t give it to you. You will also be able to give love to others and receive love from others.
These skills may be new to you. Discover which ones are most difficult to master. If needed, get support in mastering them by working with a therapist, friends, and/or family.